Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When my daughter grows up, I'm going to start reading her Facebook status's before bedtime. Just so she understands the importance of staying in school!

   Wonder if we are getting annoying with all the breaking dawn craziness. Don't complain Guys! You all were annoying talking bout MW3  

   A Game? I don't know. . . Skyrim sounds like something you pay a hooker extra for.

   Welcome to High School. Pick 2- Good Grades, Enough Sleep, or a Social Life

   "I bet you're told this all the time" means you are about to hear something you've never heard and it's probably going to sting a little.

   batteries go dead in the t.v remote, take every toy in your childs room apart to find AA's.

   I need to quit time-traveling whilst drunk! I can't remember what I did tomorrow.

   Flinging poo at a monkey in the zoo will get you kicked out, even if the monkey started it.

   Facebook is giving 'poke suggestions' now? Instead of telling me who to poke they should warn me about who NOT to poke.

   Free samples shouldn't be limited to grocery stores...How can I be sure this Fifth of Scotch is worth the $10 without a quick chug?!?

   in an ideal world, olivia wilde is googling for pictures of me naked

   If you feel like the world is passing you by, you must be obeying the speed limit.

   I imagine hell to be a room full of drunk guys wanting to tell you about their fantasy football team...

   Tom Cruise can climb down off Oprah's lounge now and crawl back into his closet.

   Hey, guess what! No one cares. Stew in your own sh*tty mess that you made for yourself. And also have a nice day.

   I haven't yet met someone who shares my idea of what love really is.

   Live this day as if it is your last...And if it turns out it isn't, make many apologies tomorrow.

   America, happy birthday! I hope you do something fun and get lots of happy birthday wishes on your wall!

   Rule #24: If you lie, don't get mad when you are called a liar!

   Girlfriend wanted to go skinny dipping. I said your not skinny enough to be dipping. And that's how the fight started.