Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Some youths have stolen all the bus stop signs down my road... Where do they get off?

   Fun Fact: Alcohol increases the size of the "send" button by 95%...

   Going to Wal-Mart will help build up your immune system for just about everything except Covid-19...

   The wife asked me to sell my Hall and Oates collection. I said I can’t go for that, no can do.

   I want to hear 99 people sing 'Africa' by Toto. It's something that a hundred men or more could never do.

   I wear a mask in public, not only because the vast majority of doctors say it’s safe and an effective way to combat COVID-19, but also to hide my second chin.

   You don't have insomnia, you have a f#cked up sleeping pattern.

   Yes, m@sturbation is a pleasant, yet quick diversion. Scratching one's own b@lls however, can provide hours and hours of limitless entertainment. At least that's what my dad says.

   I don't hate you, it's just my attitude has some major issues with your personality.

   This is nothing but a sausage fest ~ guy working at Jimmy Dean

   If you don't have any critics, you probably don't have any success either!

   Love is always giving more than you can spare.

   If they bought food instead of paints and brushes, there would be far less Starving Artist's.

   So glad I'm a guy. Haven't fought with a friend since 1985.

   If you use the term YOLO, then you are more than likely using these other popular phrases: “Would you like fries with that?” “Welcome to Walmart.” “Yes Officer. You may search my car under the terms of my probation.”

   It's cool how my wife can have an entire argument with me without me ever saying a word.

   i hope to one day be important enough to have my own Wikipedia page...

   So,,, The dog won our farting contest... I'm going to bed to think about what I could've done differently.

   Oh, you're a model? What's your agency? Instagram?

   If facebook had an anonymous button, then all hell would break loose.