Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you like to make love while listening to music, always choose a live album. That way you'll get an applause every 3 to 4 minutes.

   who else wakes up in the morning and checks their Facebook like its the morning newspaper??

   A Shout Out to all the beautiful women who don't need to dress half naked to get a man's attention. Stay classy! The rest of you, come with me.

   Kids these days are spoiled. Ipads, smart phones, video games, etc. But they'll never know the joy of putting an Ozzy Osborne cassette tape in a Teddy Ruxpin

   Welcome to Facebook, choose your category: Comedian, Philosopher, Protester, or Drama Queen

   I think I may have misunderstood my boss when she told me that she loved seeing me hard at work.

   Few things raise suspicion like a black guy in a Mercedes with a ski rack.

   The other day my car's “Check Engine” light came on, so I popped the hood and looked, and the engine was still there. Silly light!

   I just had 14 beers at Chuck E. Cheese's... and this band is f*cking awesome!

   I hope there comes a day when cancer is just a zodiac sign

   I'm an okay dancer until I whip out the finger guns, then I'm just majestic.

   A friend of mine sent me a postcard with a satellite photo of the entire planet on it, and on the back he wrote, "Wish you were here."

   Whenever I go to Subway, when they ask if I would like my sandwich toasted, I say yes & then I raise my cup of Coke & say, "To my sandwich!"

   When I was younger, I always used to feel like a man trapped in a woman's body. However, that all changed when I was born.

   Sometimes Google should just come back with a message that says "trust me, you don't want to know."

   Christmas is over. We now return to our regularly scheduled self centered lives already in progress.

   Guess who has The Addams Family theme song stuck in their head?...... You. *snap snap*

   What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale? A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..." A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this sh*t..."

   You really have to hand it to the blind prostitute..."

   be nice to me.. with minimum effort I can make things very very difficult