Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I went to the store and got me some Oreo's. As I was walking back to my car I saw a friend who told me that it was his birthday today...so for the 1st time ever, without being sarcastic, I was able to say "What...Do you want a cookie or something?"

   CDC ~ Center to deceive and control.

   My hamster died today He fell asleep at the wheel.

   so easy even a cave man can do her.

   - I took my ex out last night. It only took one punch :)

   Some people really have a knack for giving my middle finger an erection...

   If I were to make a dictionary: CUTE=you; SWEET=you; THOUGHTFUL=you; GOOD LOOKING=you; GORGEOUS=you; LIAR=me!

   Dear guys wearing skinny jeans, I... Can't.... Breathe.... Sincerely, your damn balls.

   I dont hate you. I just hope your next period happens in a shark tank.

   as bored as a guy with no arms looking at porn

   I really hope the guy from Microsoft can take some time out from his busy schedule to read the hundreds of error reports I send him daily

   My status is a virus..DON'T CLICK THE LIKE BUTTON!!!! If you do your computer will freeze and lock up for good. If you click the comment button you will turn into an evil troll who eats humans for dinner. Repost if your a troll so I can run and hide.

   Microsoft To Buy Skype For $8.5 Billion. goodbye to my camwhoring career ? :'(

   I just asked a guy at the Mac Store if the iPhone 5 will come with an app that makes AT&T not suck.

   So she asked me "Do these pants make my butt look big?" And I said, "Not at all dear....its the fat that does that." So now I'm single again.

   My cat is my date and we got asked to leave the Olive Garden. Probably because she's black.

   The amount of time you've spent nagging, you could have blown me AND done the dishes, stupid.

   I like my women like my coffee, all over my crotch while I'm driving.

   I want a woman who can cook, clean, do the laundry, pay the bills & still set aside the time to have sex with me while her husbands at work.

   My wife can't remember which side of the car the gas cap is on but she remembers the picture of some girl I commented on 5 years ago.