Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   a goal without a plan is just a wish.

   I don't run from hurricanes, I drink them.........

   has multiple personality disorder and so do i

   Just brought some things the the shop..went to pay for it and the lady at to the counter said "1.69 please". I said "Sorry.Can't I pay with money instead?"

   Fastest way to piss me off? Tell me to "settle down."

   It's amazing how you can smell so bad, an still be alive.. .

   There has been only one Christmas -- the rest are anniversaries

   I need to start setting an alarm to go to bed.

   Everyone seems normal.. Until you get to know them.

   If hooters changes to a door-to-door service, would they change thier name to knockers?

   Let me drink about it and get back to you.

   To the neighbors who have plastic flowers prominently displayed in their yard: Thanks, my home is now worth ten dollars on Zillow.

   People who work on their tablets all day and play games all night burn the Kindle at both ends.

   A women's clothes tell you a lot about her mood. If they are on your bedroom floor, she's horny.

   Remember guys, if your wife or girlfriend gives great head...she learned it somewhere.

   Oh My God Becky

   BREAKING: Study shows several boys not brought to the yard, despite allure of milkshake.

   Thank you all for the Happy Birthday wishes!!! Had a GREAT DAY!!! (didn't read a single one)

   Do this mean no mo guvment cheese?

   I just drove by the local high school. It appears all the girls dressed up as sluts today...