Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I take comfort in the fact that my neighbour will probably die before me. I'll be at his funeral, leafblowing through the entire ceremony.

   I got robbed tonight at Shell. I called the cops & they asked if I knew who did it I said "Yeah, pump 6."

   95 and Hazy today, kind of like Bernie Sanders

   Hey Vegas, your slogan is bullsh!t" – Prince Harry

   Just so all of my friends know, If I ever say the phrase "okie dokie artichokie" to you, it's a signal and means I've either been kidnapped or I'm wearing a wire. One of the two

   Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address you turn down the volume on the radio?

   The fastest way to being happy is to make other people happy. You go first.

   Starbucks has announced that they will start selling beer and wine in their stores. Apparently, they've run out of sober people to sell their $9.00 cups of coffee to.

   I think I am going to make my own beer. I'll call it Responsibly, that way competitors will do all my advertising. Please drink Responsibly!

   Why is it when opportunity knocks on your door, it knocks only once. But temptation... That b*tch leans on the damn door bell!

   I refuse to believe that everybody was kung fu fighting. I'm sorry, but there had to be at least a couple people sitting that one out.

   Burger King is offering delivery service in some areas. I don't trust it. Everyone knows it's impossible to drive without eating the fries.

   I hate when people say 'I'm a vegetarian except for fish.' Right, and I'm a virgin except for all that sex I had.

   The restraining order doesn't mean we can't hang. It just says I can't get within 50ft of you. You wanna play catch or frisbee or something?

   The pharmacist asked me my birthday again today. Pretty sure she's going to get me something.

   It would serve me better if they put shopping carts in the middle of the store where my pride realizes I have too much stuff to carry.

   Getting stuff out of my refrigerator is like playing Jenga.

   One of the great mysteries to me is the fact that us women can pour hot wax on our legs, rip the hair out by the roots, and still be afraid of a spider.

     You know you're getting fat when you sit in your bathtub and the water in the toilet rises.

   How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?