Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Dear Tummy, do I have tell you separately.its a lockdown. Stay in

   I haven’t seen the numbers, but I imagine vampire attacks are way down.

   Grandad: ‘I’ve just bought a new, state-of-the-art hearing aid.’ Me: ‘Great. What type is it?’ Grandad: ‘Half past three.’

   I'm at Walmart. I'm not buying anything, I just needed a reminder that there are bigger disasters than me.

   Some of y'all need to be worried about that 420 credit score

   I can't believe it's already 5 o clock and almost time to get moving from the couch to the refrigerator.

   In a world full of coronavirus I wanna be your sanitizer

   With this quarantine order, I now understand why my indoor cat tries to run out the back door when it is opened.

   If you are throwing a football, a baseball or kicking a soccer ball in a park, you need to be more than six feet apart. If you aren't, you're in big trouble because you really suck at your sport.

   Coworker: Good morning! Me: I guess we'll have to agree to disagree.

   That moment when you're tired and sleepy, and you drag yourself to bed but then your brain says, "Ha ha, just kidding!" I hate that.

   [on Shark Tank] me: I believe you’ve misheard me –I said “nonstick PANTS”

   "Did it hurt...when you fell from heaven and lost the use of your legs?"--bad pick-up line to use on a handicapped person

   Bank robbers give a bad name to people who just want to deposit their check with a mask on.

   My favorite thing about flamenco guitarists is how they can stand on one leg for the entire performance.

   Son: Your makeup looks weird Me: I’m not wearing any

   Caveman 1: Tell me a story. Caveman 2: Once upon a time…. Caveman 1: Woah you lost me!

   At first I felt loved when the wife called me a trophy until I saw her google taxidermist

   I just had ice cream WITHOUT sprinkles ... OMG diets sure are hard!!

   Possible names for Vegas new NHL team: Aces, Chips, Spades, Cards, High Rollers, Lights, Gamblers, Tourists, Sinners, and Dead Prostitutes.