Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   it ok to taser other people's screaming kids in the supermarket? Asking for me

   genie: so what's your 3rd wish me: I wish you had amnesia genie: so what's your 1st wish

   I already have a "fear" book...my old yearbook

   The irony of being anti-social on social media.

   You know what most people are getting for Christmas? Fat.

   The worst part about watching movies at the cinemas is not knowing how much time you have left until the end of the movie.

   Maroon 5 : Patriots 3 :Rams 0

   I don't know what I'd do without facebook. But I'm sure it would be something more productive.

   Overheard at the coffee shop: “Do the banana-nut muffins contain nuts?” Natural Selection, I believe that’s your cue.

   Women hate cargo pants and cargo shorts because they illustrate the tactical inferiority of the purse.

   I'm so broke right now that American Express called me and said: "Leave home without it."

   One of the best days as a young adult is moving out on your own. One of the worst days is realizing a package of toilet paper cost $10...

   When I canceled my gym membership, I had to submit a too weak notice

   How many selfies does it take to get to the center of attention.

   "Real men like a woman with curves" - Fat Chicks

   Top 3 screwdrivers: 1. Tool for turning screws 2. Vodka and orange juice 3. Method of Uber payment

   My wife tricked me into marrying her by laughing at my jokes when we were dating

   The hardest part of carving a pumpkin nowadays is finding some newspaper to spread

   Good thing I got a college degree I think as I put away the kid toys for the 49 billionth time

   *accidentally skips the bottom step of the stairs* Oh my God. This must be what a sky diver’s rush feels like.