Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   will stop drinking when captain morgan puts his foot down.

   Recipe for disaster: A dash of stupidity combined with copious amounts of greed and prepared by the government.

   venting on his Myspace that he cant get on his facebook...

   If you don't like the fire, don't tickle the dragon.

   The meek may inherit the earth, but the shrewd will collect the rent.

   My super power is finding out about really cool sh*t after it happens.

   Whatever hits the fan . . . never gets evenly distributed!

   never take an angry women with you to target practice.

   Few things disappoint as consistently as a dry wedding.

   The wife thought she was having her first hot flash but it turns out that it was just her boob in her cup of tea.

   Ladies, let me save you your annual Cosmo subscription fee: 1. Let him go out with the boys 2. Sex him up 3. Make him a sandwich Repeat.

   Lil Wayne looks like he's going to die due to a codeine binge. Now someone say something funny about it! =)

   Part of my workout routine is that I always get hammered before I go jogging...... That way I never go jogging.

   So far I've dropped three ice cubes on the floor today and no idea where they are. Gonna put on some socks so I can find em,

   Welcome to the slurring portion of my evening. Please refrain from any direct eye contact.

   hey Golf Channel, instead of yapping about golf for 4 hours, how about showing some actual golf??

   You look friendly. I'll go sit somewhere else.

   dating a girl with kids is like starting a video game with another mans saved game

   RIP ... George Jefferson.....Father of Swag

   If I ever get tagged in a Yoga photo, please send the police, I have been kidnapped by some Zen extremists.........!!!!!