Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You call them enemies, I call them people who wish they were me.

   Apparently "preparing myself for Cinco de Mayo" is not a good reason to be drunk at work today, who knew?

   If words could kill, I'd sentence you to death.

   If weddings were for couples there would be men's wedding magazines.

   Of course I talk to myself - sometimes I need expert advice!

   People are tired of hearing about my girlfriend troubles, especially my wife.

   I bet guys named Matt who take yoga classes get picked on a lot.

   The only yoga stretch I've perfected is the yawn.

   You Know You High if you use the flashlight on your phone, to try and find your phone.

   Some people just need to change their status updates to, “Needs attention.”

   You know you're married when you find her sexier with clothes on.

   Bikini season...lets use some good judgement, if you cant see the top of your bikini bottom without squirmin....dont wear it

   I read something the other day that made me piss myself. It was a sign that said: "Bathroom closed."

   I feel a sin coming on!

   for an April Fools joke, I walked into Walmart wearing a see thru mesh wife beater, cut off jeans and no shoes. Turns out 16 other dudes thought of the same joke.

   If I was homeless I would dress up as a Coinstar machine and just sit there.

   If you're happy with any of these buffoons running for President you probably shouldn't be allowed to vote.

   I may be mean but at least I use my fcuking blinker.

   RIP: The artist formerly known as Alive.

   just hoping Jerry Sandusky had another bad day in prison at the hands of Bubba.