Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I've only been on Facebooks new Dating for like 5 minutes and I've already been matched with a hammock, a new pillow top mattress, a Honda Civic and a... oh wait this is Facebook Marketplace

   Some of you all went from homemade, natural, all organic cleaning products to Clorox real fast...

   You can’t call it “pandemic” unless it’s from the Pandemic region of France, otherwise it’s just Sparkling Flu

   A priest rabbi and a nun walk into a ...Nevermind. Bars closed.

   And in other news, Keith Richards has tested positive for everything but COVID-19.

   My super power is picking up all the laundry in one arm then bending over for 5 minutes picking up that one sock that keeps falling out.

   Cashier: Your total is $2,334.00... Me: Can you take off the avocado?... Cashier: Okay, that will be $2.00.

   I can't wait for a empty Christmas wrapping paper tube to bonk someone over the head with!

   When I am working, I get paid to be nice. I don't understand why my friends and family expect me to do it for free during my time off.

   Who is the genius that decided Little League uniforms be white? My guess is Tide laundry detergent.

   Something I have in common with Mariah Carey- I don't know the words to her songs either.

   Not ALL politicians are liars. Some of them actually believe the stupid crap they say...

   sleep with my grandad's WWII bayonet under my pillow. You never know when someone might break in and start filming Antiques Road Show.

   When preparing a PowerPoint presentation for a big meeting, it is important to keep things simple enough that even a manager can understand it.

   Remember when WWE finally came out and admitted that everything was staged and that it was entertainment... and how crushing it was for people who still thought it was real?... I'm awaiting politicians to make the same announcement...

   Anyone wanna go halfsies on a nuclear bunker?

   Debating an internet troll is like teaching a monkey how to drive a car. You both get frustrated and one of you ends up throwing feces.

   My dad told me that my great grandfather knew the exact hour of the exact day of the exact year he was going to die. I said, “that’s amazing how the hell did he know all that?” My dad replied, “the judge told him.”

   Facebook, making people who would’nt talk in the street wish each other Happy Birthday since 2004.

   The batteries in my electric toothbrush died before I finished. I've never sympathized more with women in my life.