Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Pro tip: Do not make snow angels in a dog park.

   When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight,… to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.

   If a Jehovah's Witness dies and goes to heaven does God hide behind the Pearly Gates and pretend he's not home?

   2011 - "50 Shades of Gray" sells 125 million copies. 2018 - "Baby, It's Cold Outside" is offensive.

   Sorry if my phone keeps calling you, it's voice activated. I'm at the mall and everytime santa says Ho, Ho, Ho, it dials your number

   What people need are Café Mocha Marijuana Latte's. . .

   I've figured out how to solve the problem of the Westboro Baptist Church protesting at veterans' funerals. We aim the 21-gun salute at them.

   I think Walmart needs a new parking sign "Just Lazy"

   if you are posting how many days there are until Christmas in November, you should have to do all the dishes after Thanksgiving dinner.

   I do not have attention deficit disorder. I have what you're saying is boring the sh*t out of me disorder.

   Yesterday a barber was arrested in Victorville for selling drugs. That's crazy, I've been his customer for years and had no idea he knew how to cut hair.

   A recent survey indicates that the Smartphone is now the number one hand held device. The p3ni$ has now dropped to second place.

   Don't worry about the problems in North Korea. We've sent the B-52's over. They'll surrender once they've listened to Love Shack a few times.

   I don't mind helping people as long as I'm not slightly inconvenienced.

   When a man says he'll do anything for a woman, he means slaying dragons, killing zombies and rescuing her from castle towers. IT DOES NOT MEAN cleaning garage, fixing roof and cleaning out the basement!!!

   The worst sanction on Vladimer Putin: We send Justin Bieber to Russia!

   Whenever I meet a pretty girl, the first thing I look for is intelligence; because if she doesn’t have that, then she’s mine.

   Sorry I yelled "Finish Him" at your wedding last Saturday

   Pro tip: Go the the gym on one of those 1 day free passes, take 365 selfies then post one every day.

   Who knew adulthood would involve so much Advil??