Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Justin Bieber is coming out with an 'Unplugged album'? I hope it's the microphone that they unplug.

   If you eat at McDonald's, I doubt fresh vs frozen beef is your biggest concern...

   I fell asleep reading my hard copy of "A Christmas Carol". The book slid off my lap and landed square on my big toe! Man, that hurt like the dickens.

   Bees: why are all the humans disappearing

   Who else has been drunk the entire month of Mapril?

   All our dogs think we are staying home every day just for them and all of our cats are thinking we got fired from our jobs because we are the losers they always knew we were

   Now that I’m 40, I’ve had to change my safe word to ‘my knees! my knees!’

   Just saw a fat dude lick pizza grease off his shirt so that's the last time I eat in front of a mirror.

   I took an Ambien and now I hate everyone....

   Shopping for antiques won't make you gay, but it will make you buy curios.

   If you can't find your wife or GF at the mall, just start talking to the hottest girl you see and she'll appear out of nowhere.

   Why are all the good open-minded liberals moving to Canada? What's wrong with Mexico? If we look at the map, it appears Mexico is about the same distance from the U.S. as Canada. So what's up?

   Hillary and Trump are in a boat and it sinks. Who survives? I'd say Hillary. According to Bill, she never goes down.

   Donald Trump says he's only taking $1.00 a year as President. We could have had Hillary for $.77

   Depending on how you look at it, half of 8 could be 4, 3, or 0.

   Why don't keyboards have a ".com" key on them now? Come on nerds!

   I wonder if China was clever enough to make the Mongolians pay for their wall?

   I think I'm going to buy one of those new 3D printers. Then I'll use it to print another 3D printer and then return the original printer to get my money back.

   I don't drink water anymore, not after what it did to the Grand Canyon

   For those of you who don't have a significant other to spend Valentine's Day with, kindly resist the temptation to brag about it.