Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   We parents need to stop threatening our kids with a lump of coal. It’s cruel and outdated. Behave or Santa will break your iPad, kids.

   2020: How to turn 5 pieces of clothing into a yearlong wardrobe.

   if you think the last 12 months dragged on, just think how your dog feels. he’s probably sick of having you home for the 7 years

   Everything I learned about the Kardashians, I learned against my will.

   If you’re buying something embarrassing at the drugstore (like an enema), just ask for a gift receipt so they won’t think it’s for you.

   I'm at that age and wisdom where I no longer get up to investigate strange noises. Nope! I've seen that movie.

   Sure your baby's cute but have you ever seen a chihuahua with the hiccups?

   Check if your kids are asleep in their bed late at night by turning off the wifi.

   We wipe our )( blind, but we put our deodorant on using a mirror...

   A guy in a leather jacket told me that if I gave him a hundred dollars he'd give me three hundred back in a month. It sounded too good to be true, but then I realized that it was just a Fonzi scheme.

   Ever noticed that when you are broke, you have common sense.

   When I first heard of 'Keeping up with the Kardashians' I initially thought it was supposed to be a Star Trek show about the Klingon rivals...

   Running shoes? No, I don't run. These are my "better hurry up the liquor store is about to close" shoes.

   Patient: Doc, I feel miserable, worthless, unhappy, and I have no money. Doctor: I see...... How long have you been married?

   I keep staring into the sky and I still cannot figure out which cloud has all my data.

   Me: She really needs to calm down. Alcohol: You should tell her.

   Day 4 without net neutrality: the kids found a half eaten raccoon we can eat. Grandma is wandering the streets looking for Candy Crush lives. We’re burning furniture to stay warm.

   I take my irresponsibilities seriously.

   "It's not all about how someone looks." - Helen Keller.

   Thighs that slap together when you walk are just giving the owner an applause.