Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Question -- What night is the swimsuit competition at the DNC?

   The young neighbors next door do things like water the lawn and plant flowers. I remember when I had hopes and dreams.

   How do you get Americans to exercise their right to vote when you can't even get them to exercise?

   Vacation Photos 1995: "That's where we watched a breathtaking sunset over the Grand Canyon." Vacation Photos Now: "That's where we caught Pikachu."

   When I die, it will most likely be of embarrassment

   If you line up all your ex lovers in a row you can see the flow chart of your mental illness.

   If you mean Elmer Fudd singing "Kill the Wabbit", then yes, I do like Opera.

   "Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday." -Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.

   "This is all your fault!" my wife moaned this morning. "What the hell have I done now?" I asked her. "Give me a chance to think," she said, "I've just woke up."

   Love how Disney movies teach you that you can be anyone you want, as long as it's a princess.

   Above and beyond? I mostly go below and around.

   fml...I shouldn't have driven home from the bar last night. Especially since I walked there...

   Thank you to the Emmy Awards for reminding me why I don't watch television.

   All I'm saying is, would it have killed Star Wars to give the audience a peek at the Death Star cafeteria?

   Welcome to Twitter if you are not already following a mom who drinks wine, one will be assigned to you....

   Kim Kardashian held at gunpoint and made to put her clothes back on.

   All I’m saying is now might be a good time to check the Paris pawn shops for some good deals on jewelry.

   I want to be something really scary for Halloween. So, for this year, I'm dressing up as 3% phone battery.

   I'm pretty sure I just heard the lady on the Clorox commercial tell me I can use their product to clean up a murder.

   I'm sure glad there isn't a microphone around to record every thing I say in private.