Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
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ME: This electric toothbrush knocked a few of my teeth loose. DENTIST: That's an egg beater. 
If I end up getting the Coronavirus, I’d prefer to have it on the beach with a lime
The best way to avoid being left with the bill when dining out with friends is by not having any friends. Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don't want you to know.
When I was a kid, my parents could only afford a secondhand calculator which was missing the 'X' button. Times were hard.
Last night I read that it takes people an average of 7 minutes to fall asleep. And then I laid awake the entire night thinking about that.
Half the day, I wonder if it's too late for coffee... The other half, I wonder if it's too early for alcohol
Until further notice the days of the week are now called thisday, thatday, otherday, someday, yesterday, today, and nextday
I'm convinced that to become a realtor, the only required skill is to be able to look nothing like you do on your business card.
Wife: I'm pissed! Me: Again or Still?
I blocked my cat on Twitter. He knows why.
When people hear "Huge Nipples", do they think that includes the areola or just the nipple itself? I'm helping my mom with her Facebook profile.
Golden Corral has lobster tails for $2.99. That's less than the medicine you'll need to buy from puking your guts out afterwards.
... Turns out Corporal Klinger would no longer qualify for a Section 8 Discharge in today's enlightened US Army!
There is no simple household repair that I can't turn into a visit to the ER.
"Too big to fail"...."Too big to jail"... same thing
Wears an "I'm with stupid" shirt to marriage counseling.
The dental hygienist asked if I have any concerns. So we talked for 20 minutes about how Kevin Durant will fit in with the Warriors.
... Seriously .... I really don't know when the giant UFO landed and dumped off all of these stupid people .... But one thing's for sure .... They ain't coming back for them!
My dog acts pretty tough for someone who's afraid of cotton balls
Home is where the bag filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags is. 