Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Somewhere there's a guy named Jayden K. Smith wondering why nobody will accept his FB friend requests

   I'm going to start a non-profit organization to promote the legalization of marijuana. It will be called the March of Dimebags.

   yall tired of boiling water every time you make pasta? boil a few gallons at the beginning of the week and freeze it for later.

   She doesn’t need a sugar daddy, she needs a glucose guardian.

   Whether you follow your head or you heart, be careful. One of them is clearly an idiot!

   Buying Halloween candy to hand out as an adult, is like paying back for all the free Halloween candy I got when I was a kid.

   Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.

   Due to the election I may start a moving co.

   Thank god this election is over......I almost forgot what real commercials were like.

   A person without a sense of humor is like a car without shocks, they get jolted by every rock or pebble in the road.

   Why would I pay someone to scare me at a haunted house when I could just open a can of biscuits at home?

   Don't wait until you're on your deathbed to tell people how you really feel because you could be too weak to raise your middle finger.

   A few days ago, Stephen Hawking predicted the earth has 1000 years to survive. Where will Keith Richards go if that happens?

   Worst part of being sick? Sneezing while taking a piss

   Some people are the human equivalent of stomach cramps...

   i don't want a girlfriend I want an accomplice

   Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms should be a convenience store; and not a government agency.

   I AM SO READY TO KISS 2016 GOODBYE!

   The biggest growth companies in D. C. right now are Moving Companies.

   I bought my dog his own cell phone today. It was a good deal. He gets free rollover minutes.