Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   . I think mydog looks out the window when I leave for work to see that's it safe to lay on the sofa.

   in 1964 the wage was 5 silver quarters. Today 5 silver quarters are worth $15.50. We dont need to raise the wage, but to fix our money.

   You're never too old to be spanked. If you play your cards right.

   leave it to Hugh Hefner to die on hump day

   Someone here said that bullying and insulting people, for no good reason, means you're doing things right. When did humanity get so stupid?

   The only problem with sport fishing is that the fish have a home field advantage.

   I have to get with the times on this social media stuff. All this time I thought Instagram was a convenient way to obtain cocaine.

   Period pains? Try having a b0ner in jeans....

   What I learned from the Grammys: Lady Gaga SILL terrifies me, Beyonce apparently has seizures while performing, Taylor Swift has some VERY adult teeth in her teen-aged mouth, & Lil Wayne was lookin like a fool with his pants on the ground!

   There are going to be so many Snookis this year for Halloween. I think I will dress up as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face.

   thinks that they should change the name of Starbucks to Fivebucks

   There needs to be free birth control handed out at welfare offices...agreed??

   Prank: Have 10 friends call the same phone # for a week & ask for Jim. Then call it yourself & say “this is Jim, do I have any messages?”

   Mexican word of the day: Nacho, Hillary Clinton is Nacho President!

   Everytime I enter a Plane I gotta ask the Arab sitting next to me if he Got plans for tomorrow.

   i don’t understand why people need to do drugs or party in order to have fun, have you tried mac n cheese

   Think about this. Somebody in the world right now couldn't imagine life without you. That alone should give you the strength to smile.

   I propose that we abolish marriage and engage in 3 year contracts instead, with the option for renewal.

   That moment when you are so drunk that you swerve to miss a tree but then you realize its just an air freshener hanging in your car.

   I fell off the bed in the middle of it and she yelled "5 second rule" and kept doing it. I think I'm in love...