Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   it safe to take off my eclipse glasses yet?

   Hey if you guys see a chameleon, it's mine. If you don't, that ones mine too.

   You can't tell me what to do; you're not my demons.

   Mitch McConnell and donald trump: The new story book version of the tortoise and the hare.

   I swear, what is wrong with people? Supporters are burning their MAGA hat's because Trump did the right thing and protected the dreamers? Wow!

   Notice when you call a 1-800 techical support number you get an assistance operator in India? Wonder when a person in India call for technical support if they get an amercian operator.

   New breakfast cereal called Prosatooties. They don't snap crackle or pop. They just in the bowl and smile at you.

   First it was a wall. Then a fence. Now it's 20,000 boxes propped up with sticks. And a taco under each one.

   Stupid kid fell in the well again. --Lassie, if she were a cat.

   Next time you find yourself complaining on your $600 smartphone, put it down and rethink your life.

   So let me get this straight -- they left the porridge on the table and went for a walk, and the 3 bowls cooled at different rates?

   Any coincidence that OJ gets parole about the same time that Ford Motor Company brings back the Bronco?

   Don't have time to read the news anymore. Just show me a picture of something bad, give it a miguided headline, and promise I will get angry.

   When a guy says "I'm Fine" what he is really trying to say is that he is fine.

   How do you milk sheep? Bring out a new iPhone and charge a grand for it.

   hey we're back to funny quotes... Dummy-Crats must be reading Killary's book.

   The worst thing about parallel parking is that there are usually witnesses.

   they say you have to go through hell to get to heaven,i wish I brought my gps with me cause I'm lost.lol

   My friend Ryan is getting his vasectomy reversed tomorrow...I'm planning to make a movie about it and call it "Saving Ryan's Private"

   thinks that Facebook should give a breathalyzer test before you can sign in.