Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Give a man a fish, you'll feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish, you'll feed him for life. Give a octopus nunchuks and nobody's going to bother those fish again.

   Virginity is like a soapbubble, one prick and it is gone.

   If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child.

   I've told you for the fifty-thousandth time, stop exagerating!

   had a girlfriend with a wooden leg, until he broke it off!

   flipping channels and saw a girl I hooked up with about a year ago on the Maury show talking about she had only been with two guys and she was 100% he was the father of her baby. It was hilarious! I stopped laughing when Maury said you are not the father.

   had a flying dream last night!  It was awesome, I felt just like a bird so I pooped on someone's car!

   You know your children are growing up when they stop asking you where they came from and refuse to tell you where they're going.

   Keep the dream alive: Hit the snooze button.

   I'd like to see things your way, but I'm not sure if I can stick my head that far up my a** !!!.

   How can I explain Your love And how it turns my world up side down

   Life isn't a garden...so stop being a hoe!

   Roses are red violets are blue sugar is sweet and so are you, but the roses are wilting, the violets are dead the sugar bowls empty and so is your head

   wondering why noses run and feet smell

   It's not an official disaster until Bono sings about it.

   FINALLY... I have a date for tomorrow .... and she is so smoking HOT .... she is my GAS RANGE..., coz I STILL have 2 GO 2 WORK AND COOK ON VALENTINES DAY!!!

   wonders if people in the porn industry are ever "In the mood"?

   A text from my mate : "I'm guaranteed to shag the missus up the bum this weekend. She's dyslexic and think's it's Vaseline's Day."

   Just booked a table for me and the other half for tomorrow - f****** hope she's good at snooker lol?!!!!

   Uh oh! You ever send a naughty text to the wrong person on accident? Ooops! My mom is gonna be soooo shocked when she reads that one. That was some of my best work too!