Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I like birthdays, but I think too many can kill you.....

   walking through the cemetery this morning and saw a guy crouching down behind a tombstone. I said, "Morning." he said, "No, just taking a sh*t".

   Mirror, Mirror, on the Wall ... what the hell happened?

   Why did God create man? Because vibrators can't mow the lawn.

   We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

   re-invented the term "big baller", running nude in a basketball court

   a police officer states"I'm never gonna say "come here" to a convicted porn-star again"

   On the other hand... You have differnt fingers

   so hot that he needs someone to become a fan!!

   (fill in the blank)__________ me, I'm Irish.

   I thought love was a giveing thing.... The more I gave the less I got

   I feel like the little kid before Christmas... cant wait to get up and see what St. Patty has for me under the keg !

   They named a hurricane after a guy, and where did it go? Straight for the virgin islands!

   has ordered a home delivery from KFC and Denny's simultaneously, so he can see which comes first, the chicken or the eggs.

   I will not listen to people who burst my bubble because they are always negative. But I will listen to people who I know have my best interests at heart even if they burst my bubble.

   If a firefighters business can go up in smoke, and a plumbers business can go down the drain, can a hooker get layed off?

   80's music is so 2002

   I Speak Fluent Sarcasm....

   just got the call that I'm going to be on national TV tomorrow night (Saturday). I haven't said anything about it because I didn't know when it was going to be on. Make sure you look for me at 8pm on Fox

   You know the chilli you had last night was good, when you have to wipe your a$$ with a snow cone!!!