Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   So it turns out that "The Love Shack" does, indeed, turn up on your bank statement.

   When the outcome of what I strive for is consistently determined by things completely out of my control, my give-a-damn reacts accordingly. I'm just sayin'...

   once watched a movie for 30 minutes waiting for a commercial so he could grab a snack -- then remembered it was a DVD.

   A lot of peeps these days have a B.A., M.D., or Ph.D. Unfortunately, they don't have a J.O.B.

   Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that.

   Next time you try to look hot in your profile pic, check the scenery. There's a dookie in the toilet behind you! Not hot!!!!

   THE MOST CONFUSING DAY IN THE GHETTO IS FATHER'S DAY....

   Freedom means the right to yell Theater in a crowded fire

   (Q) Why are there no female hockey players in the NHL? (A) They don't want to go through 3 periods each game

   who is the biggest prostitute alive? Mrs. pacman , because for 25 cents that bi*ch will swallow balls until she dies!

   After an object has been assembled, theres always extra components will be found on the bench.

   Period pains? Try having a b0ner in jeans....

   I was good at math before they decided to mix the alphabet in it...

   DUDE! The vending machine gave me TWO!"

   Sometimes I Feel No Matter What.... The Girlfriend Is Always Right Products

   Took my Dog to sign up for Welfare. The Clerk said that Dogs aren't eligible. I said why not, the Dog is unemployed, Lazy, Can't Speak English and doesn't have a clue who his Dad is.

   It's "NEIGHBOR'S BEST FRIEND'S SISTER-IN-LAW'S COUSIN'S STEP BROTHER WEEK" if you have a neighbor whose best friend's sister-in-law has a cousin with a step-brother who is the bomb, copy & paste this as your status or don't.

   life is too short to date ugly men!!!

   if at first you don't succeed, you will never make it to second.

   if you follow your heart, you will eventually end up in your chest cavity.