Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   there are two types of people in this world, pizza roll people and bagel bites people

   Facebook is doing maintenance on my account. I hope that means they're airbrushing my profile pics!

   Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray the Lord my soul to keep. If I die before I wake. Then this will be my last status update

   I'd be more willing to cuddle with my Wife after sex if she'd be more willing to high-five after sex.

   I'd be more willing to cuddle with my Wife after sex if she'd be more willing to high-five after sex.

   can not believe Google.com banned the word 'gullible' from being entered in the search field!

   today I : 1. asked old people for directions and deliberately walked the opposite way... 2. asked very obese people which gym they used...

   Sarcasm helps keep you from telling people what you really think of them.

   Actual Headline: Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

   Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.

   House Guarded By Shotgun 3 Days A Week. Guess Which Days.

   I skinned my elbow on the headboard while making the bed. Does this mean I am dangerous in bed?

   all for the "going green" thing, but she just can't bring herself to buy toilet paper that says, "100% Recycled."

   thinks we will soon know if Al Gore still believes in cap and trade after divorce redistributes HIS wealth

   blames Al and Tippers divorce on all of those hung Chads...

   rumor is that Tipper Gore is suing for half the Internet.

   what do you call a prostitute with a runny nose? full

   On a walk, my stepdaughter saw a pay phone, asked what it was. I made him look it up on his Blackberry.

   I use really strong sunblock. It's SPF 100. I squeeze the tube and a sweater comes out.

   How come so many people Roll On The Floor *Laughing*? If I'm rolling on the floor, it's usually because I'm on fire. Send help.