Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I don't believe I ever heard a man speak worse English with more difficulty, than Christiano Ronaldo in that Castrol commercial xD

   We have Gandhi - India...beat that...Oh wait... he believed in non-violence

   thinks that calling some people "white trash" is an insult to styrofoam.

   I didn't say it was your fault...I said I was going to blame you.

   knows that running the air conditioner 24/7 hurts the environment, but the Earth needs to be punished *somehow* for being so bloody hot.

   Shocked Justin Bieber did not win a BET award.....don't worry Justin neither did Hanson, Nelson, or Hasseloff.

   Aibohphobia -- fear of palindromes (ironically it is a palindrome)

   just thrown out of church: I put $100 in the offering plate and the Priest was so excited he asked me to come up front and pick three hymns. I replied, <pointing> I'll take him… and him… and him….

   If my plane is about to crash, I doubt I'll be using my seat as a "flotation device." More likely, it's gonna be used as a toilet.

   making some changes in his life. If your not on my friends list any longer, you were one of the changes........

   If you took a Facebook IQ Test and it determined you're a Genius, the fact that you participated in a Facebook test negates the results.

   The key to friendship is to accept the other person's faults. You'll understand this should I ever develop any.

   Twilight. Let's break it down. Twi= What Elmer Fudd is always doing. Twi'ing to hunt a wabbit. Light=Electromagnetic radiation of a wavelength that is visible to the eye. I think we can all agree that Elmer Fudd & Radiation should not be mixed.

   There is really quite nothing like the flavor of a rejected Facebook friendship invitation.

   People say hard work never killed anybody, but did you ever know anyone who "rested to death?"

   My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet

   Car sickness is the feeling you get when the monthly car payment is due..

   A friend in need is a PEST indeed

   Save Water. Take a bath with your neighbor's wife!

   Don't play with your food, especially after you've already eaten it.