Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If I was a bird, I know who I'd s**t on first...

   “Even in a happy relationship, it's seems to be possible to have a wandering eye or even crave affection from another person.

   Get a backbone and say NO if you don't want to do something, ignoring calls and texts is a cowards way out. Grow a pair!!!

   A woman should know how to look like a girl, how to act like a lady, how to think like a man." :)

   wants you to know that Alcohol is Never the answer. Unless, of course, the question is "What is C2H5OH?"

   I swear Idiots are like the Air ...they're everywhere..

   I propose that Jesus must have been a Zombie. Lets look at the facts: He came back from the dead, He wants you drink his blood and also eat his flesh so that you have ever lasting life. Or maybe... a vampire-zombie? Hmm... futher study is needed.

   tHInks pEOPle WHo TyPE LikE thiS aRe retARDed.

   Zaa Zaa Gabor is doing well after her hip replacement surgury. The hip was donated by the Museum of Natural History

   Golfer oosthuizen has won the British Open. In his honor, his name will be used in the last round of the next National Spelling Bee.

   never, ever, ever under any circumstances take a laxative and sleeping pill on the same night

   Life has no damn remote....get up and change it yourself!

   I am perfectly blithe to chortle at you bourgeios addlepates who pontificate nascent verbiage to seem shrewd. Guess what, you fecal matter is odoriferous.

   At the end of the rainbow, there's no pot of gold. It's just cornflakes.

   You've been backstabbed, rejected, unwanted, abandoned, betrayed, tricked, lied to, ridiculed, cheated on, heartbroken, defeated, and said NO to all your life...Did it kill you? Of course not...just made you stronger. USE IT.

   Doesn't matter how you find the gold, as long as you beat the leprechaun to it

   , Did you hear about the optometrist who had an accident at work? He slipped and fell into his lens-grinding machine and made a spectacle of himself.

   I never realized how many people I hate until I got on facebook...

   I know I'm wrong, but I always pull for the men on the Maury Show lol.

   anyone want my old toaster oven? It's pretty snazzy…has the pattern of a loaf of Wonder Bread stained on the top of it….they're all the rage ya know…be the first of your friends to own one…at the low…low price of——-> FREE!”