Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   No one is as ugly as his driver's license, nor as good-looking as his Facebook profile pic.

   I predict that if, by 21 December 2012, the world doesn't end, there will be a huge baby boom in September 2013.

   things that last longer than a Rick Pitino sexual encounter: 16 second Abs, a Soulja Boy Mix tape, a knock-knock joke, a lap at the Indy 500, a stop light, Brett Favre's retirement, a game of Tippy Cup, an NBA shot clock, Usain Bolt running 200 meters...

   I think I want a 3D bigscreen, now I just need 3 grand....

   I choose my outfit with great care every day, because if today is the day I become a zombie, these are the clothes I'll be wearing forever.

   has thrown games of "Hangman" to intentionally kill that guy.

   Some slut I know posted her Facebook status as "I've just had my period." At first, I thought "Shut up, we don't need to know that. How disgusting." Then I realized it was quite funny as all the dudes she has slept with recently all "liked" it.

   If a man won't lift a finger to see you & spend time with u, it's time for you to lift 5 fingers & wave goodbye!

   I generally avoid temptation unless I can't resist it.

   The best things in life are unseen. That's why we close our eyes when we kiss, sleep and dream.

   Every time I hear a recording of my own voice, I'm convinced that I would not be friends with me if I were someone else.

   Live every week like it's shark week.

   Newton's Pee law : No matter how much you press it, shake it, rotate it, slap it and pull it. the last drop of urine for your underwear. ;)

   Only on True Blood can you have a group of guys standing next to eachother buck naked, and have it not be gay.

   I hate sharks! Can't there be a my little pony week?

   Looking through a girls photos and thinking "slut..slut..slut..slut" :D

   What do whales eat? Fish and ships.

   You know you're getting old when you got to scroll down to find your birth year!

   has mistakenly used Axe Freeze in place of body wash and now everything is tingling!!

   girls are afraid to hear the words "its over" from her guy. And you know what guys are afraid to hear?"I'm PREGNANT!!!"