Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   No one wasted their superhero/villain potential quite like Zack Morris and his ability to Freeze Time.

   it's really awkward when you invite your neighbors to your Shark Week party, and then you realize that your neighbors are tuna, and they probably don't observe Shark Week.

   going to retire from being a flasher.... but decided to stick it out one more year!

   So my boss told me I was well rounded this morning... I didnt know whether to thank him.. or punch his lights out..

   conducting a test of the emergency Facebook system. If this had been an actual emergency, then you need help because who looks at Facebook during an emergency?

   just realized that he wasnt really a big hit, he's just a typical sh*t in a prince charming outfit :)

   Just killed a spider for the first time without peeing myself. Thug life.

   Plastic Surgery is Photoshop for people who go outside.

   I always know what to say... It's the when and where to say it that I struggle with.

   finding when it comes to chickens, talk is cheep

   Thinks Spiders are incredible. Us humans think we are so smart...Lets try shooting silk outta our butts and see what we could make!

   Do nudists refer to their genitals as "privates" or "publics"?

   In life we all have an unspeakable secret, an irreversible regret, an unreachable dream and a unforgettable love.

   todays horoscope-Your belief that all of life's problems can be solved by a heart to heart talk and a good nights sleep will be tested when you are introduced to mathmatics.

   Went for a mile run today. Stupid Ice Cream Man just kept driving even though I was waving my money in the air!

   Wonders: If an astronaut drives a Saturn and a pimp drives an Escort, does a proctologist drive a brown Probe?

   To bad you can't photoshop your UGLY personality...

   If you want a stable relationship.. get a damn horse

   When someone is so sweet to you, don't expect that they will be like that all the time because even the damn sweetest chocolate expires to..

   Guess what? I have flaws. What are they? Oh I donno, I sing in the shower? Sometimes I spend too much time volunteering. Occasionally I'll hit somebody with my car. So sue me-- no, don't sue me. That is opposite the point I'm trying to make