Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   A rolling stone gathers no moss, and that's the last time I hire Keith Richards to do my landscaping...

   I gave up smoking,I gave up drinking,I try to exercise,I try to eat right......apparently this means I will live longer but the trouble is I am boreeeeed

   David Hasselhoff's liver is soo shriveled, black and dead, if you put your ear to the side of it, you can hear it going: ‘What you talkin' about Willis?"

   Cats have nine lives...which makes them perfect for experimenting on...

   I've started keeping two lists: "To do" and "Too late"

   Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.

   can you make a caption that I can actually read ?

   Imagination is intelligence having fun.

   PERVERT: something we all are, but are too afraid to admit!

   "Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we" George Dubya Bush

   Brett Favre came out of his hole and didn't see his shadow. That means only 5 more weeks until football starts.

   Old Macdonald had tourettes,...e....i.....e.....i.... c%*t

   O Friday, O Friday! wherefore art thou Friday? Deny thy other weekday

   sin's so skilfully that it puts god in a dilemma whether to punish or not...

   says Live every act fully, as if it were your last.

   why dont they complain when Catholic Churches are built by playgrounds??

   whenever you drop clothes on the ground and don't feel like bending down to pick it up so you just kick it up and catch it in the air

   Archaeologists have uncovered what is to be believed as the remains of the worlds oldest dog. Also uncovered at the same site is believed to be the worlds oldest dog coller. It says, "i'm rex, if found return to Larry King"

   more awesome than The Miz.

   You go to bed right now mister... How dare you post on here about your mother you are grounded for a week with no lemon bar deserts!