Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Just got back from visiting the future, was disapointed you weren't there. Can't go into details, but please stay away from revolving doors, and bean dip.

   Thanks for the sticker on your car telling me to remember 9/11. While you're at it, why not tell me to remember when my parents got divorced, when my dog died, and when my ex cheated on me.

   ...Justin Bieber is new spokesperson for Proactiv. No wonder he has his hair combed forward. His forehead must look like Courtney Love's ass.

   When a cat sees a sandbox, he must feel like a human viewing a 50 ft. toilet.

   Wonder if Southern Belles say "I do declare" a lot when they're doing their taxes.

   Thinks The "Ice Road Truckers" should fill their tires with helium so the trucks weigh less.

   nearly 500 million eggs recalled, I'd hate to be the guy who has to put them back in the chickens.

   When I ride alone with a random guy in an elevator I'll wait a sec then ask "two man killing spree?"

   "Absolutely, sir. And what kind of pig would you like to hear?" (Real American, if he was in Deliverance)

   When you allow a Hypocrite to stand between you and God, guess who is closer to God...

   Can we pretend the air-NO

   when I smash a bug on the wall or ceiling I like to keep it there as a warning to the others..

   I still stop conversations to join in for that "Hey! Must be the money!" part of the song.

   The only thing worse than awkward silence, is when that silence is broken by an awkward "Soooo anyways."

   Stop looking at your phone. No one texted you.

   I need a redbull & a nap..

   Women spend 2% of their lives trying to figure out where bruises on their legs came from

   Its so hot outside right now that I'm getting hot flashes... and I'm a man!

   watching reruns of the Biggest Loser and eating a bag of Oreos.

   I always feel like a domestic God after watching Hoarders.