Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Really questioning if I was arrested by a real cop, I had to rub my fingers on a newspaper and push em into a glob of silly putty.

   When I jerk off, I hold my pinky out, just in case if someone walks in, I look elegant doing it.

   how much of a procrasinater do you have to be to wait until a tumor is 200 lbs to have it removed

   Dear sweaty bum who sits on the stoop where I work. Clock me in at 6:45 and I promise to be there at noon to buy you a happy meal

   Wanted: A fat, drunk Doctor who smokes and feels my lifestyle is acceptable

   The Subaru Impreza comes with 11 airbags....maybe it would be easier if all cars were just made by nerf

   Clearly, they've run out of reality show ideas, just like hollywood..really? The Three Stooges?

   Oprah needs to admit she's a lesbian trapped in a fat mans body

   Having a back-up plan means your main plan sucks!

   As a driver, I hate pedestrians... as a pedestrian, I hate cars... WTF I'm walking here!

   Sometimes it's better to react with no reaction.

   Has anyone ever tried to lead Sarah Jessica Parker to water?

   I don't drink so that I'm more fun to be around. I drink so that you're more fun to be around.

   There is going to be no easy way to tell my GF that I'm leaving her. Mainly as she's deaf and I don't know sign language.

   will be hunting for caterpillars so I can skin them and make me a nice striped furry coat

   GUY: Babe, let's go to the zoo! GIRL: Sorry but I'm not ready to meet your family.

   You do look pretty. At night. Behind a wall. With a bag on top of your head. To a Blind Person. If they turned around. Just maybe.

   Don't worry guys, you can't die from loneliness. You can spontaneously combust from being too horny, however.

   I may have a strained abdominal muscle which is cool because that means I have an abdominal muscle.

   When people ask me "Plz" because it's shorter than "Please" I tell them "No" because it's shorter than "Yes."