Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   missing the days when Facebook status updates had to begin with "is"

   The only difference between fear & excitement is your mind-set… Fear says, “Oh no! Excitement says, Oh WOW!

   I dont believe in beating my kids, so I make them wear a Justin Bieber shirt & crocs to school so the other kids will do it for me.

   A PIRATE'S TOAST: May your anchor be tight, your cork be loose, your rum be spiced, and your compass be true.

   "I don't mean to brag," ... "Then shut the f#ck up!"

   Hey Janet Lehman, how about I send you MY program for free? It's called a BELT!! You're welcome

   I think we all know, the first time he Tebows in New York, somebody will steal his wallet.

   The hookers in NY are now offering a "Tebow" special. For an extra $50, you get to experience a second coming.

   I think next time I'll go ahead and press "2" for Spanish. Maybe I'll actually get someone who speaks English better than the person on the "English" line.

   If you don't know what you want, you will end up with a lot of sh!t you don't want.

   Hi remember me? I'm the guy you never bothered to say goodbye to you self-conceited b!tch. .

   Somewhere In A Ghetto Household A 4 year old is "droppin it" like its hot while the family is clappin & yellin "Go SHANIQUA! Work it girl!"

   I wish my vacuum went "OM NOM NOM NOM" whenever it sucked anything up.

   I pretty much need a girl to love me for what's on the outside at this point. The inside has been broken for a while and I've been trying to fix it with booze ever since.

   True Story-apparently Iraq has there own version of Punk'd called "Put Him in Bucca" where fake bombs were planted in celebrities cars and they were threatened with death and prison.

   Fun thing to do. Location: Shopping Mall. Items needed: Old Atari Controller and a friend as cool as you are. Stick the cord down the back of your friends pants and pretend to steer him/her around the mall with the joystick. DO IT!!!

   My girl walked in on me while I was on MySpace. I quickly switched it to a porn site just to save myself from an embarrassment.

   Nothin' makes me feel whiter than when the Beastie Boys start rockin' out on my iPod... and I'm ok with that. :)

   To the people who don't like me... suck it. To the people that do like me... same thing. :)

   You ever have one those great days where everything is going right? F#ck You.