Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   just read more people are killed by toasters than sharks so if you're swimming in the ocean and see a toaster SWIM FOR YOUR LIFE!

   Right now in houses across the Nation, parents are trying to explain to their kids where their college funds went.

   still in a relationship. Cuz I didnt win the mega millions

   To all of you who posted your lotto numbers: I copied them and played them too. If you win, I win. And I get half. Think of it as a pre-emptive divorce.

   I want you to feel like it's home when you're in between my thighs. ;)

   Has A Bigger Possibility Getting Killed On My Way To Buy A Megamillion Ticket Than Winning It

   N!gg@h please. You no g@ngster, you too black, you a Thug..

   Just rubbed the blue dot from the National Enquirer (fingers crossed).

   When I'm a millionare, I'm hiring someone whose only job is to stand at the top of a stairwell and high-five me when I get to the top.

   At a Birthday Party, I dared one kid to suck all the helium out of all the balloons. Today this kid is known as Justin Bieber.

   Sleep + social life = Bad grades. Good grades + sleep = No social life. Good grades + social life = No sleep.

   Congratulations! You've won a lifetime supply of air! Not valid under water, in space, when dead, or while choking.

   A snail that meows, a squirrel in an astronaut suit, a crab with a whale as a daughter, The creators of SPONGEBOB were obviously high.

   If I die in my sleep, my programmable coffee-maker is still going to make a full pot in the morning.... Someone will appreciate that.

   Anyone checked lately to see if there are still other web sites?

   I just hit a guy in a Smart Car with my bicycle.......................he didn't make it

   If I hit the $500 Million remind me to get a hold of Mitt Romney and ask him who does his taxes

   psychology suggests that religious people are categorized in Obsessive-Compulsive Disorders. If you want to be sure, google it.

   Roses are red violets are blue...it's Friday night and I'm sick of stating the obvious to you

   F I win the..$US- 640 mega millions JACKPOT..Im Building a Death Star..well down payment to start it any ways..!!