Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   women are good for 70 things. cleaning house, and 69

   On dating sites, some of the options for 'body type' should be, 'Vending machine', 'deformed walrus' and 'pudding in garbage bag'.

   I wear gasoline for cologne because b*tches love money.

   When the mechanic said I 'blew a seal', I was afraid he knew about that summer I worked at Sea World but it turns out it's some car thing.

   Understand that the road to zombie hell is paved with absolutely good intestines.

   If Apple had a nickle for every time an iPhone dropped it's connection they'd be one of the richest companies in the.......... Oh.

   Wife: Do you want something for dinner?,, Me: What are my choices?,,, Wife: Yes or No.

   Trouble's brewing at Symphony Hall.. It's the bottom of Beethoven's 9th,,, and the bassists are loaded.

   Dyslexics better do it.

   I'd love to get a hold of Mitt Romney and ask him who does his taxes…

   A furniture for my mother in law's birthday??? Thank you honey... I think coffin just sounds right...

   Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So THAT'S where the clitoris is.

   If I didn't have any kids I would love to be a stay at home Dad.

   Start texting "Let's get naked." to random people, you'll eventually get laid. I promise.

   Ships in bottles are made by retired gynecologists.

   The people in diaper commercials look so confident that I think I'm gonna start wearing one.

   Shaggy is the biggest stoner, you've never seen smoke.

   I went to this new Chinese restaurant today for lunch... it was off the hook, chain, collar and leash!

   Anti Single Ply TP

   For those of you concerned about my upcoming birthday and struggling for ideas as to what to get me this year, I have registered for gifts at the liquor store…