Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   They say "dress for the job you want", but no one seems to understand the only job I want is to be the new Hamburger Helper Helping Hand.

   My cat keeps telling me I have a drinking problem and that I need to seek help, but really I think he's just annoyed I won't stop singing.

   Disney's now letting its theme park employees grow beards. I don't know... I think some kids might get freaked out by Snow White's new goatee.

   Darth Vader: "Here, I made you some toast." ___Luke: "It's a little on the dark side." ___Vader: ".?." ___Luke: "Lol"___ Vader: "Lol"

   Five men in Boston found in a basement bound with duck tape covered in condiments! Dinners ready!

   OK, it's been three days since I drank those 5 cups of vinegar and ate those dye tables, and I have yet to lay a beautifully colored egg. What gives?

   Our local Golden Corral "Chocolate Waterfall" was shut down tonight because the drain was clogged up with band aids again...FTW

   I Googled "Gary Oldman" and got some pretty disturbing images - he's really let himself go, I thought. Then I realised I'd left the "R" out.

   Ever feel like your being followed ...cause I've been seeing someone behind your back.

   Ahh Instagram,,,, Makes me wish I'd thought of cropping pictures into a square and applying Photoshop filters from 1998....

   Seeking a meaningful, romantic and deep overnight relationship... PM inbox for details... P.S. With Gas price at $4.25 a gallon, I'm not coming over "just to chill"

   Me thinks that Zuckerberg bought Instagram because a girl didn't let him take her picture once

   If you are in very psychological relationship... Make sure (s)he's psycho and you're logical

   Time to delete my Instagram account now... Also,, what's Instagram?"

   watching the local weather girl and have no idea what it's gonna be like today....

   I started tramp stamp collecting. What? Its a real hobby

   i like to follow random people, star their tweets and throw in a trophy then quickly unfollow them. makes me a twitter ninja

   Ever notice that all the instruments searching for intelligent life are pointed away from earth?

   If all men are pigs and they are all the same, then why does it take so damn long for women to choose one?

   Diet = Damn I eat that ?