Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Girls who are shaped like hot pockets have no business taking full body pictures.

   "You break it, you buy it"... Uh, hell no. I break it, I leave it, and awkwardly walk out...

   Dont Bring Skittels To A Gun Fight

   Don't you hate when people call your name 20 times..... Then end up saying "NEVERMIND"? Nah, you gonna tell me SOMEthing.

   It's stupid when someone texts you first and they never reply after you text them back.

   F*ck what you heard, f*ck the b!tch you heard it from, f*ck what you think, and f*ck what you saw, and recognize what the f*ck you see.

   I love a good hardy dump in the morning time....I can't stand a tiny turd tease...makes me feel like an underachiever

   Girlfriends are like The History Channel. They always bring up old sh!t.

   To the man that went the Block Buster store ?? Did you kick in the plywood around the windows or did Wayne Huizenga give you a key ??

   Just remembering my Saturday morning ...a bowl of trix , watch Super friends and Hong Kong Fuey and then my bike ..OUTSIDE till lunch .. great times

   I'm not a soccer fan,, but if the St. Louis Steamers soccer team ever move to Cleveland,, I'm TOTALLY buying a jersey..

   All of MY posts come straight off of Taco Bell sauce packets.

   I know it's hard to tell,, but Chewbacca actually trims his pubes.

   Umm,, Why does everyone in Cracker Barrel look like the cast of Mama's Family?

   Haters can only hate the things they can't have and the people they can't be.

   Some rude idiot just interrupted my afternoon nap by honking his horn just because the light turned green.

   I'm sick and tired of the games requests on Facebook. If it doesn't stop Imma be forced to play Facebook's Version of "My foot in ya ass."

   Kids growing up today will never know what its like to have no internet, no cell phones, and a whole bunch of pubic hair.

   I'm starting a new fad, it's called Walk the Plank. Basically, whenever you see someone planking, walk on them and then jump off.

   If I am arguing with someone and they say "READ MY LIPS" I slap them in the mouth and tell them my vision is bad so I need large print.