Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Even if women came with directions, you still wouldn't read them.

   Good things come to those who wait... but great things come to those who don't just sit around waiting for sh!t to happen.

   A realtor called asking if I'm interested in selling my house. I'm interested in my neighbour selling his so I booked him an appointment.

   Most stoners seem like they're not too bright. But ask them about weed and they turn into a walking Wikipedia.

   The Google home page today features a giant zipper. I'm NOT gonna open it. Who knows what'll pop out.

   Hey, people who start stories with, "You're not gonna believe this!" Calm down. We'll probably believe it.

   I'm a problem that you'd be glad to have.

   Facebook now has 901 million users and I'm pretty sure all of them have invited me to play FarmVille.

   I want a car that runs on the tears I shed at the gas pump.

   If it weren't for the fact that the TV set and the refrigerator are so far apart, some of us wouldn't get any exercise at all.

   One thing I've learned about myself after all this time on Facebook is that I have no idea how to use a comma.

   Men know everything - all of them - all the time - no matter how stupid or inexperienced or arrogant or ignorant they are

   The world is divided into two kinds of people: those who have tattoos, and those who are afraid of people with tattoos

   I'll take Same Crap/Different Day Alex for 200

   Getting on your feet requires getting off your butt.

   Why do people say "no offense" when they're about to offend someone?

   Your child may be an honor student, but you're still an idiot.

   TGIF- Thank God I'm female.

   God must love stupid people- he made so many!

   I don't drink; it dulls the drugs.