Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Another day....another 0.256832% of a dollar

   Our hearts are drunk with a beauty our eyes could never see.

   anyone else confuse the time with the radio station? sometimes I think I'm running late cause its already 105.9

   You know you are in the ‘hood when your portable GPS says “Drive faster and put me under the seat.”

   I'm sorry but women make the best defense attorneys. They never let anyone finish a sentence.

   Ehhhh……. This avocado exfoliating mask tastes nothing like avocado.

   Life isn't about net worth. It's about self worth.

   Twilight. A love triangle between a mentally handicapped girl, a disco ball, and a hairy pedophile.

   I met the girl of my dreams last night, then I woke up.

   I still let my phone ring a few times before answering when a person I'm interested in calls, so I seem busy.

   Hey can I borrow a pencil? "Yeah but it doesn't have an eraser" "Life doesn't have an eraser" "That was deep man.."

   Why do the people that should never reproduce have the most kids?!?!

   Rock bottom = Putting saved Taco Bell hot sauce packets on food that is not from Taco Bell.

   The worst = telling an awesome story and realizing halfway through that you should not be telling it to that person.

   Harry Potter brand condoms: Protect your Slytherin from Hogwarts while you're in her chamber of secrets.

   Being a virgin these days is something to be proud of; you're like a unicorn.

   Statistically speaking, roughy 118% of all people over-exaggerate.

   Come on guys, lets be honest, gays only want to be married for tax breaks. They don't believe in God or anything Christian so that is the only reason. Don't lie to yourself or others.

   My brother Bob gets mad when someone spells his name backward... I think he inherited that from mom. Or maybe dad.

   I washed my hands of OCD...... Again.