Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   ...just here baking in my own dutch oven... curse you taco bell!

   I would have gone to Clooney's fundraiser for Obama, but I spent my last $40,000 on gas.......

   You know that line that you aren't supposed to cross? I think I just snorted it.

   Everything happens for a reason. Getting stupid and making poor decisions are the most common reasons.

   I may be rude crude and socially unnacceptable but I'm cute dammit!

   Pro Tip: Men Here's my advice on women: Don't give them nicknames like jumbo or boxcar & always get receipts for stuff you bought. It makes you look like a smart business guy!

   Considering I'm still sitting here in my underwear eating beef jerky and Reese's peanut butter cups, you all may want to chose someone else to take advice from today!

   Am I supposed to be more mature now that I'm older? Because "ILuvBigBoobs" is still pretty much my password for everything I have!

   People who over exaggerate literally make me want to shoot myself in the face 287 billion times.

   Some days I think I should start seriously dating again.. But the last time I got dumped by a girlfriend, I hijacked a taco truck & lived in a forest preserve for 3 months. Soo What I'm trying to say is I'm a survivor dammit!!

   If I Can See It, Smell It, Or Pee On It, It Belongs To Me!! ~ I Got The Big Dog Attitude Today!.. Or It Can Also Be Called I Just Had 2 Beers Attitude!

   You should Go Ahead and live life with regrets because the more bad decisions you make tonight the better your Facebook Posts will be tomorrow!

   I got a bit drunk last night and now I just got woke up by a lawnmower!!! I don't know who the hell it is but they have to mow around me I an NOT moving!

   Today My doctor was checking my Balls for lumps but the Doctor said I crossed the line and it was very awkward when I ran my fingers through her hair... Again how is it that I crossed the line and she didnt???

   Can't believe Toys R Us closed down in the city. Now where am I to get my Nerf bullet refills? I have an inflatable family to protect dammit !!

   one mans trash is another mans girlfriend

   Someone just used my dead end street to turn around and now I'm standing outside with two open beers and a lonely face :(

   I just saw a woman lick her Cell Phone screen. I'm assuming to clean it since I don't know where she would've gotten any pics of me!

   Local News: Woman finds cocaine stuffed inside tampons she bought in a Utah closeout store. That's just crazy, period!

   Eating Healthy is a pain in the ass, all this cutting and chopping and cooking and Milking and pasteurizing. next time I want fresh steaks and milk I'm going to the dam store to get it !!