Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Hey Timex, if I end up 660ft under water... I'm pretty sure that I won't need a watch.

   I always keep a bottle of champagne and a large cigar under my side of the bed............. Just in case the wife stops breathing.

   You don't need a parachute to skydive......unless you want to do it again.

   I'm thinking of dropping the whole "I'm from the street/thug life" persona.

   Today's a great day to stalk someone you haven't seen since high school and say, "You wrote 'keep in touch' in my yearbook, well here I am!"

   When the artist dies, this roll of flower print Bounty is going to be worth a fortune.

   While I'm flattered Smoky thinks otherwise, I'm not the only one who can prevent forest fires.

   "Cookies n cream" ice cream is really just cookies and ice cream.

   I'm thinking of doing a butter sculpture of a stick of butter. I hope nobody has done that one yet.

   (╮°-°)╮┳━┳ " make me a Sandwich!" .. Girlfriend : ( -.-) "HELL NO!" ..... (╯°□°)╯ ┻━┻ "THE HELL YOU SAY ?"

   When you hear people speak in another language: 6% I wish I could speak that. 94% Those b**ches better not be talking about me...

   You don't have to be perfect to be useful....the rusty nail still holds the roof on.

   Facing your problems is like facing a bull...either take them by the horns, or run like hell.

   The pretty girl may get the husband....but the nice girl gets the best man.

   [ ] single. [ ] taken. [X] I get about as much attention as a white crayon."

   Why do you have to go so slowly over a "speed" bump?

   It takes two people to fall in love + one to wreck it.

   Hardest thing ever? Controlling your laughter at serious times

   When I die, I'm going to have the Tetris theme played at my funeral... just as my coffin is being lowered into the ground.

   ah, Friday! My second favorite "F" word!