Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   McDonald's should start gearing ads toward their target audience: husky toddlers and seagulls.

   You can tell a lot about a person by holding them hostage and asking them questions.

   The one good thing about Monday morning, It's the farthest from next Monday you're going to be.

   Why is it called "raw sewage?" Does that mean that someone, somewhere, is cooking the sh!t?

   I wonder how many times that fat kid on Adam's Family locked himself in the bathroom with a playboy and that freaky hand thing?!?!

   A survey found 95% of men don't know how to turn a dishwasher on. Personally I find licking her nipples and a light fingering does the trick.

   Roach joints. Because yeah... I recycle! :)

   I'm going to take my new laptop back to the shop today. I've just noticed that the I, O, X and H keys are upside down.

   For the last time people....... I'm not fat! I am just so full of sexy that it over flows... There is a difference!

   Always have faith and believe in yourself........well... because... the rest of us think you're an idiot!!!

   The only thing worse than reading your status is having to look at your stupid ass profile picture next to it.

   Why is it that on Sunday when I say ”I can't, I have to be good at work tomorrow” I do anyway and I'm never good at work tomorrow?

   "Jacuzzi" - a Swedish word that loosely translates to "sweating underwater".......

   The world would be a much better place if everyone just did what I told them to do and stopped asking so many stupid questions.

   Imagine yourself watching Storage Wars or Auction Hunters on TV thinking to yourself that stuff looks familiar then saying oh wait that's my sh/t !!

   I'm sorry I jumped on you, from a distance you looked like a conclusion.

   Have you ever been really thirsty and really bored at the same time? That's how houseplants feel all the time.

   Use yes and no once. 1) Are you gay?:_____ 2) Are you lying?:_____

   I keep a baseball bat under my bed just incase someone breaks into my house while I'm sleeping and throws a baseball at me

   "Parkinson's" is a way better name than what it was first called in the 70's - "Involuntary Boogie Party".