Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Scientists have now confirmed that aliens do exist and in fact could be living next door to you as humans. So I shot the hot woman who just moved in next door 'cause her ass was definitely outta this world.

   When someone gives you their futon, they are basically saying "you should sleep where my girlfriend got pregnant by some other dude".

   :I'm so white I get uncomfortable saying knickers with a hard 'r'.

   Men may have created fire but women have discovered the art of playing with it.

   Must be a 3 year old on the loose in these here parts.

   :If I had a penny for every time someone called me a retard... Well... My sh!t would probably be full of half digested pennies.    

   n't it ironic that I hate math, but I love counting money.

   I just never wanna get "make my own belt holes" fat.

   Ugh, I hate my voice on tape. It always sound so r@cist.

   A penny for your thoughts, Five bucks if they're naughty.

   Want to know if you're in the wrong relationship? If you were reading this hoping I really had the answer, it's over.

   In the garage looking at my step ladder - wondering why my real ladder left me when I was only five.

   Why would you stay friends with your ex? When you get fired from a job, you don't stick around and watch other people do your job.

   Quick! Somebody come up with a Donna Summer post, because according to reports, Summer won't be coming around any more.

   SO! My Dr tells me I have to take medication. Why? To stop you from slapping people who should be on medication. Hmmmm!

   I know how the Chinese name their kids....they throw a bunch of silverware out the window.

   BREAKING NEWS - Bomb disposal experts in Brazil had to evacuate a sold out Lady Gaga concert due to a suspicious package on stage.....

   No, PornHub, I would NOT like to share this video with my friends and family on facebook

   Women claim men are dogs but remember if you feed a dog his favorite food all the time, he will never leave home

   Del Taco, macho size. Because sometimes you just need 6 pounds of fries in a bucket.