Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Apparently it was a bad idea to ask Siri, "What do women want?" She's been talking for the last 2 days and doesn't seem ready to shut up anytime soon.

   If anyone asks, I've been here all day. You all are now apart of my alibi... don't f*ck this up!

   WTF...It should be illegally for a woman to have a nice ass body with a Not so nice face... Its like when GOD was creating her he thought too himself, "You know what would be real funny...." #Mr.Brown

   feeling as sprightly today as Jimi Hendrix... or anyone else who has been dead for 40 years.

   i dont know whats worst..hearing dane cooks jokes..or seeing them recycled here all the time

   China thinks they own the entire planet

   I don't hate you…I'm just not necessarily excited about your existence

   trying to engineer how to get rid of the electricals

   I want a drug sniffing dog but for all the wrong reasons

   Nomophobia, the fear of being without a cell phone, is the most common phobia

   Stop adding people you don't know on Facebook as your “friends”. Friends aren't Pokemon cards, you can't collect them all!

   I know 3 facts about you: 1.You can't say ‘M' without your lips touching. 2.You're trying it now looking like an idiot. 3.Now you're smiling.

   Sleep is so cute when it tries to compete with the internet

   BESTFRIEND: the one you can get mad at only for a short period because you have important stuff to tell them

   If you don't read my status, you can't have any pudding. How can you have any pudding if you don't read my status?

   you know you're getting too fat whe you outgrow your towel

   I have Monday phobia ima shut my eyes and when I open them please be Thursday :-)

   A relationship without trust is like a car with no gas. You can stay in it as long as you want, but its not going anywhere..

   Sometimes I like to re---post my statuses that didn't get any "Likes"... because they deserve a second chance too.

   By marrying his girlfriend, Mark Zuckerburg finally updated his status to "Married" while his girlfriend changed her status to "Billionaire"!