Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The middle class does not exist. If you believe you are part of the middle class, it just means you're rich and insecure or poor and misinformed.

   I am struck by the ill. Bring me the Quils, both Day and Ny.

   Women always worry about the things that men forget; men always worry about the things women remember.

   He's been marinating in honey for years. Don't tell me a rack of Winnie the Pooh ribs wouldn't be tasty.

   Lead me not into temptation... I can find my own damn way

   I flirted with disaster last night. Now disaster won't stop texting me.

   Give a man a fish, he'll eat for a day. Teach a man to fish, he'll eat for life. Give an octopus nunchuks, no one's eating fish ever again

   The human brain is a wonderful thing. It starts working the moment you are born, and never stops until you stand up to speak in public.

   I wish that Hallmark would make a card that says, “Sorry, what was your name again?”

   Dinner guests coming over later and I forgot to take something out. Does anyone know how to turn beef jerky back into steaks?

   If I ever get Bieber fever, just let the fever kill me.

   There's a thin line between “I should do a status update about that” and “I should talk to a therapist about that.” ツ

   *wake up from a horrible dream* (⊙﹏⊙)… *realize it was only a dream* (~￣▽￣)~

   Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will track you down… You have my word

   Let's all take a moment and be thankful spiders can't fly

   The reasons the jokes here are getting lame is because everyone of the good ones is stolen from Twitter and everyone is starting to get sick of it!

   Dear Women of Online Dating Sites: You're unique and down to Earth.....just like everybody else.

   "I am the greatest. Not only do I knock em out, I pick the round!"

   I think I'm approaching my "best if used by" date.

   Do people believe in birth control these days?