Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I have a friend with only one eye. I like to show him weird sh*t and tell him "You won't believe your eye!"

   I don't get these "my body is a temple" people. I prefer to think of mine as a "bar & grill."

   we have chosen death over life, hatred over peace, arguments over understanding, conflict over family, etc. We are our own worse enemy endangered species!! Sad but true ain't nothing gonna change until dig within self and accept God "within"...

   How are poor people SO GOOD at finding money for tattoos???

   Mess with me? I'll let karma do its job. Mess with my family? I'll become karma.

   When you can do the common things in life in a uncommon way, you will command the attention of the world.

   Dealing with backstabbers, there was one thing I learned. They're only powerful when you got your back turned.

   Steve Jobs was born out of wedlock, put up for adoption at birth, fired from the company in 1985, dropped out of college, then changed the world. What's your excuse?

   It's absolutely hilarious when an idiot tries to convince you and themselves that Android handsets are better than an iPhone.

   Facebook going green? Because I'm seeing a lot of people reusing the quotes.

   B!tch, You're a booty call, stop putting your relationship status as "it's complicated."

   The Scarecrow didn't have the brains, Tin Man didn't have the heart, and the Lion didn't have the courage. So Dorothy remained a virgin.

   A camp fire is alot like masterbation. As long as you have wood you can keep yourself entertained. But when its gone the fun is over.

   You ever let one loose and it was too late? I just farted and didnt see the midget standing next to me.....

   Best 6 word combination in the history of mankind: Chocolate chip cookie ice cream sandwiches.

   If your parents are cannibals, the "got your nose" game is deadly serious.

   Don't underestimate me, That's my family's job.

   Justin Bieber charged w/ battering a photographer. Chris Brown & F. Mayweather said they would've handled it for him, but it wasn't a woman.

   Guy walks into a bookshop ....... ''Do you have the new book out for men with short pen!s's? cant remember the title'' ''Im not sure if its in yet'' ''Thats the one, i'll take a copy

   If I'm ever in a horror movie, most of the scenes will be me changing my pants.