Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   A rejected highfive is one of the biggest insults there is.

   Facebook's friend suggestion section should be renamed to "People you know, but probably hate."

   I want to quit drinking, but my momma didn't raise a quitter!

   Oh, you're engaged and in high school? I'm sure your marriage will last forever.

   What if that guy just found a mountain that looked like those presidents and then told everyone he carved it?

   Nowdays spending time thinking for a gud status is quite easier than searching for it here

   Whats the point of a High School Reunion? I have Facebook, I already know you got fat!

   Fellas, If a girl switches from Cowgirl to Doggy-Style on her own, without even needing to be told........ you have found a f*ck Goddess.

   Fellas, you can usually judge a woman's hotness by how many times your girlfriend calls her a slut.

   One of the things I like to say to a girl after we have sex for the first time is "Hmm, weird... I heard you were better."

   Whenever someone describes themselves as curvy, I always picture Owen Wilsons' nose.

   I'm doing 'Angry Yoga' tonight. It's just lying on the floor drinking a bottle of whiskey as I shout at my man b00bs.

   I'm fighting the worst case of bad breath EVER! It's tough holding a co-worker down while you brush his teeth.

   Whenever I see someone calling my phone, I wait and see if they will call 10 times, if they don't, it probably wasn't that important.

   Jenna Jameson was arrested for a DUI which means she can now add the breathalyzer to the long list of things she's blown.

   part of a rally rallying for more jobs...I don't get why the police singled me out just because I had the word "blow" before "job" on my placard!

   If you're going to block me... then you better block all of my friends on FB! Right guys? Guys? Hello? Dammit! :(

   You got stretch marks around your mouth b!tch, so don't be playing hard to get.

   I hope Karma punches you in the face before I do.

   I've been listening and wondering all day, and then it hit me. The ice cream truck isn't going to run because of the holiday.