Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Finally There is a solution to get rod off Timeline. Go to youtube search on How to remove timeline and click on the second link.

   If god didn't want us smoking weed, then why the f*%k did he put THC in it?

   Q: What did the blonde name her pet zebra? A: Spot.

   I like being in a long term relationship, because she knows what I like and I know what she……..won't do.

   Technologically, I'm at that dangerous age. I'm old enough to mess everything up, and not young enough to fix it.

   Sometimes your mouth is like a zipper. By the time you realize it's open, it's already embarrassed you.

   Why, when our heart is stolen, do we insist on returning to the scene of the crime?

   I can't think of one nice thing to say about you....a million maybe, but not just one.

   (Person:) Do you know how many calories are in that?! (Me:) Do you know how many f**ks I don't give?

   I may be getting older but that's no reason to grow up.

   S.I.N.G.L.E = Sometimes It's Not Good to Love Everybody

   When I see a bruised apple at the market, I give it a soft hug and whisper, "Who did this to you?"

   Gay Drive by: They pull up in a pink ford focus, Throw skittles and shout "TASTE THE RAINBOW BIT$H!"

   I wasn't that drunk" "Dude, you logged into Myspace."

   Ever notice how men insult each other and don't really mean it and women compliment each other and don't really mean it?

   We live in a country where obesity is on the rise and skinny jeans are becoming a fad... I fear for the future.

   Why is "All Together" written separately, but "Separately" is written all together?

   That disappointing feeling you get when you unlock the black guy in temple run and realize he's not any faster.

   My dr put me on antidepressants with some side effects. Ive never been happier to have diarrhea, nausea, and night sweats!

   I just found out gorgonzola is a type of cheese, not a dinosaur.