Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   FACT: In the Czech Republic, abortions are called cancelled Czechs

   Dudes who wear skinny jeans, you took the phrase "I got in her pants" the wrong way...

   Dear parent constantly bragging about your kid on Facebook, everybody else is rooting for your kid to fail.

   I've been making the same mistakes in life for so long, I should just call them traditions!

   Honey, why don't you take a break, you're working too hard." = "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner.

   BEST PICK UP LINE: Let´s drink Vodka until you don´t remember what I suggest next..

   Listen, I'm not fat ok, I'm just so sexy that it overflows.

   Women are like horoscopes, they always tell you what to do and they're usually wrong.

   I met a cute girl in the tampon section, so I asked her if I could take her out in 5 to 7 days.

   You know you're good at Threesomes when you get both women pregnant.

   ‎"I'm not like most girls." -most girls

   well, I gues I'm going to have to find a wife. These dishes aren't going to wash themselves...

   There is no relationship I treasure more than my bond with my recliner. We go waaaayyy back!

   so, when two dudes marry, do they both stop giving BJ's??

   Did anyone else think that we would be living like the Jetson´s by now?

   Facebook stock continues to lose value, in fact it's so bad, finally the farmville farms are going into foreclosure.

   If anybody is interested in a job where you sit and drink beer, 3 hours a day, 2 days a week, for $8000 a week, contact me. We can look together.

   Nothing is worse than biting into a hot pocket than when your two front teeth slice through a gritty frozen meat ball.

   Whenever women make fun of me because I'm poor, it really hurts. Iv'e been poor my whole adult life. I can't help it if I have an earning disability

   I heard you're a player. Nice to meet you, I'm the coach