Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   No, go ahead. Have a conversation under my status update with someone that has nothing to do with my status update. I wanted to unfriend some people today anyway and it till make my decision that much easier on who to get rid of.

   I would like my Tombstone to read, "He was too Cheap to buy extra lett

   Why the outrage over Romney's misspelling of "America?" For gosh sake, his parents didn't know how to spell "Matt."

   Considering renting out my services to people who need awkward situations made awkwarder.

   My girlfriend was admitted to the hospital last night. She's in the Expensive Care Unit.

   Whenever you feel like a genius, remember there was a time in your life when you were learning to not crap your pants.

   The world would be a much cleaner place if we just gave blind people brooms instead of canes.

   If there wasn't such thing as a last minute I'd never get anything done.

   Facebook has become the girlfriend you no longer like but are scared to dump because you've invested so much time in the relationship.

   I enjoy long romantic walks to the fridge.

   I bet guys named Matt who take yoga classes get picked on a lot.

   I think I have become addicted to interventions. Good luck with that one, friends and family!

   I wish when people called me, instead of getting my voicemail, they got diarrhea.

   If Moses were alive now I'd like to think G0d would be cool enough to give the 10 Commandments on a convenient flash drive.

   Judging by how The Hulk speaks, he reacted badly to grammar rays as well.

   I need a new belt but hate shopping. Time to become a boxer.

   The coolest suicide would be to moisturize and not stop moisturizing until you become a tiny pond that fish and turtles live in

   I don't understand why women spend so much money on sunglasses. It would be less expensive to just tint the kitchen window...

   Remember, You're only young once, but you can be immature forever.

   In a lesbian relationship who makes the sandwich? Neither they both eat out.