Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It's hard to trust someone who starts each sentence with "to be honest".

   I mean, I held a door open for a guy once, but everybody experiments in college.

   The heavyset woman walked with pace, clutching her purse, seemingly unaware that she was invisible to society. Muggers included.

   Got these new jeans made by children in a sweat shop. A friend asked, "Ed Hardys?" "No, Fed Hardlys".

   Which dwarf is Kristen Stewart playing in this new Snow White movie? Her face makes me think it's Sleepy.

   "Hold me." -Grudges

   Facebook seems like the best place to come out of the closet. If it doesn't go over well you can just say you were hacked.

   n't it ironic that crocodiles like water and people who wear Crocs are douchbags? Ok, maybe I don't know what the word ‘ironic' means.

   I just ate empanadas and listened to old Menudo records. I'm pretty sure that makes me more Puerto Rican than Jennifer Lopez now.

   Rudeness is a weak man's imitation of strength.

   Three Muslims walked into a bar. I thought "Screw this" and left instantly.

   Cows are a bit like Jesus, the only difference is they turn grass into milk.

   Dance like you're naked. And thin. And pretty.

   Best magic trick I ever pulled was making a house a boat and two motorcycles disappear into bag of cocaine.

   I learned all my fighting moves from mortalkombat basically it's just me jumping and somersaulting until the other person gets tired&leaves

   Zombie Apocalypse? I'd like to give those Zombies a piece of my mind..

   I fingered you in 8th grade. I don't want to have a 15 minute conversation with you and your husband at Best Buy.

   “Get off my balcony!!” — What my neighbor used to say to pigeons. Sometimes to me.

   Revenge is a dish best served without bacon.

   Dear Liver: thank you for being a most gracious and forgiving blood filter. Love, me.