Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Never judge a book by its cover, UNLESS the word Twilight is written on it... then you know it's s$it.

   Got a problem with me? Solve it. Think I'm trippin? Tie my shoes. Can't stand me? Sit back down. Can't face me? Turn around.

   Hey, to whoever invented the zero: Thanks for nothing!

   Everyone makes mistakes, accept for me.

   Life was much simpler when we could play a friendly game of Red Rover and just clothesline the people we didn't like.

   Why is weed illegal and alcohol isn't? Weed is completely harmless man! Smh

   I should be in Top Chef the way I Wake N Bake!

   I had 3 bowls this morning. 1 of them was cereal...

   When I watch MTV cribs I don't feel bad about downloading music illegally.

   my "people you may know" is filled with douchebags who deleted me, oh no does this mean I'm the pretentious ahole?

   Turns out trolling LinkedIn for ladies to s3xt with was not such a good id

   I'm not buying that "Oops, I accidentally deleted you" line again sausage fingers.

   Reasons people claim to be gay: 3% - are actually gay 97% - forgot to log out of facebook

   f all of your pics are taken from from an overhead angle, I have to presume you have a big hairy mole on the bottom of your chin.

   Time heals everything... except that stupid tattoo.

   If you get sexted by someone you don't like...does that mean you got molexted?

   I've ruined so many good songs on bad memories.

   enjoying the sounds of a 2 year old having a meltdown...so soothing

   It's not you. It's me. I don't like you.

   I got gas earlier for $1.19....too bad it was from taco bell.