Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You can be dysfunctional, retarded, ugly, promiscuous, pregnant, fat, obnoxious, sick, drunk, or high, but make sure you know the difference between 'YOUR' and 'YOU'RE' or ‘THAN' and ‘THEN'.

   I don't have time to babysit ppl's feelings. Speak up. How I'm suppose to know what's wrong with you?

   My boss told me "Dress for the job you want, not the job you have" Am now sat in a disciplinary meeting wearing my Batman costume

   Mall cop wasn't going to let me park in the handicapped space. Then I showed him pictures of me dancing.

   So facebook is down for a few hours. I bet this will be the most productive business day in years.

   Manscaping now fully complete!! Waiting on the itching to commence!!

   My Cunning plan: 1. Go to the elephant house in the zoo... 2. Shout IS NOBODY GOING TO TALK ABOUT THE ELEPHANT IN THE ROOM?.. 3. Elephant high-five

   I like a girl that isn't afraid to jump in front of me during a robbery & say “babe, please. I got this one, you bought dinner.”

   I can smell Plutonium a mile away....Pu.

   The difference between a crooked lawyer and an intrepid chicken is, the chicken clucks defiant.

   Anyone care to discuss Noblium....No??

   Or we could talk about Sodium.......Na.

   I hear people talking about their lactose intolerance all the time. I guess I could live with that but if I ever developed tequila intolerance life would no longer be worth living.

   ...but where I come from, rain is a good thing.

   Let's talk about Potassium.........K?

   Sorry to disturb ya'll, but does anybody know where I can apply for a strip club franchise? (asking for a friend).

   dont try to hold a fart coz it will travel up your spine, to your brain and thats where sh!++y ideas come from

   A homeless man is just a hardcore camper.

   Seeing a loser from your high school w/ a good job is like graffiti on a highway bridge… how the Hell did that get there?

   We had a family tree but someone chopped it down and built a bar with it.