Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Best Fortune cookie ever: "Person expecting sound advice from stale cookie probably make good dishwasher. Ask manager for application."

   people are so stupid now a days....I am now describing myself as having uncommon sense

   Sex is a great way to calm down after a long, stressful day at work. Being a good friend, I'm always available to provide relaxing support.

   I'm not into bestiality but sometimes I want to have sex with Sarah Jessica Parker.

   could really use a time machine to send me to the time before I started eating this whole pizza

   You had me at "I don't like you that way."

   A cool way to second guess your entire life is to go online and read reviews of every movie you think is awesome.

   An Adam Sandler movie marathon is more difficult than a real marathon.

   "When the dog bites, when the bee stings, when you're freeing sad, post it on facebook so I can enjoy your misfortune."

   in an ideal world, olivia wilde is googling for pictures of me naked

   Children Ruin Everything Around Me (C.R.E.A.M.)

   I bet when cab drivers ask Prince where he wants to go he closes his eyes and whispers "1999."

   Why does Hollywood believe a self destruct button is a completely logical feature on spaceships?

   Everybody Loves Raymond. Nobody Loves You.

   nothing worst then sitting in the waiting room before a checkup with a woman sitting next to you aggressively discussing her cancer, and it's makes you uncomfortable.

   So, my question has five parts. -Annoying person at a Q&A

   'm totally excited to hang out, again, too! Who is this? -Text from a slut

   bring back Gay jeffrey!! I always used his stuff that he put up!!!

   I'll let my dog ride with me to the store just to wait in the car for the sole purpose of him not assuming I'm doing something fun every time I leave the house.

   A Brief History of Our Times: As televisions became flatter, people became rounder.