Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I don't understand how people get eaten by sharks.....how do you not hear the music?

   How is ''Doable'' anything but a compliment!!!

   You can only say WTF so many times in a day before you just start drinking!!!

   I'm not afraid to admit that I will put on on the first date ladies.

   If it looks like a B!tch, talks like a B!tch, and acts like a B!tch! Congratulations you met my EX!!!

   I am so bored. I just spent an hour staring at an ant, trying to locate its peehole so I can put a grain of salt in it. Do ants drink water? #scratching head# I figure if I make it drink water, it will have to pee sometime.

   I can almost always tell if a movie doesn't use real dinosaurs

   Never trust a woman that has friends.

   I had a girlfriend that said she was leaving me because I was so arrogant! I told her to close the door on her way back in!!!

   Some french fries are excellent, and other french fries are just an acceptable way to eat ketchup.

   Turns out Smart Cars also make great fridge magnets.

   Just got this text message, not sure if it's a prank:"Congratulations! You have won £250 of shopping vouchers or a night at an Elvis Presley tribute act. To claim your prize, press 1 for the money, 2 for the show..."

   You can't have a Consumer-based economy if none of the consumers have jobs and can't afford to consume!!!

   Don't borrow vinegar from your neighbor if they have to get the bottle out of the bathroom!

   i buy my own f*cking lemons because you know what? life doesn't hand anyone anything for free.

   You know you're broke when your Bologna Does Not have a first name!!!

   Beggo! Why don't you just c0py and paste next time!!!

   Supreme Court rules Arizona police may not stop people they believe are illegal immigrants, but must stop Juggalos.

   I'm getting a pet dog & cat and I'm gonna name my cat 'Waterfalls'. This way everytime my dog is chasing my cat, I can say "Don't go chasing waterfalls!""

   why don't they just open a separate school for kids that don't have a peanut allergy?