Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If the fate of humanity ever rests on me filling out an online survey, we're pretty much doomed.

   I had 3 mouthfuls of aerosol whip cream & 2 diet Pepsi's for supper if anyone's looking for an executive chef.

   Our constantly changing mother earth....The original bi-polar.

   "This town ain't big enough for the two of us." said someone who was terrible at both english and geography......

   "Congratulations! You have won $250.00 dollars worth of shopping vouchers or a night at an Elvis Presley tribute act. To claim your prize,press 1 for the money, 2 for the show..."

   Drunks arguing over music will probably be one of the rooms in hell.

   The battery to my car remote died and I had to manually open my door like some parachute pants wearing break dancer from the dang 80's.

   I keep a frisbee in my truck just in case I get attacked by Phish fans.

   I replied "maybe" to your facebook event out of respect for the inherent uncertainty of life's journey.

   The neighbors said we could use their hot tub so I'm deep-frying a deer.

   My girlfriend said she wanted to take me to see Magic Mike, I was really excited until I realized she was not talking about my drug dealer from college..

   I informed the police that my wife had been missing for two weeks and they wanted to know why I hadn't reported it sooner. I only realised when I'd run out of clean shirts

   Shopping for antiques won't make you gay, but it will make you buy curios.

   Not being able to pay my bills left me feeling suicidal, so I put my head in the oven and switched the gas on, but nothing happened

   Sometimes there's no nicer feeling than pissing into a bottle But other times I hate my job at the bud lite factory

   I'm a second-hand-vegetarian. Cows eats grass. I eat cows.

   I'm not an alcoholic. I can stop drinking any time I've got no money.

   I can't believe it. I saw on the news where a midget got pick pocketed in broad daylight...how could anyone stoop so low?

   Some woman calls me the UPS man, because I deliver that package right on time.

   so bored at work I can't even think of something to goggle